blech

I feel awful today...

Luckily I can think about the weekend and get a smile on my face.

I went to tony alva's 50th birthday party this weekend and everytime I go to one of his parties I feel so relaxed and not awkward. The people are so nice and usually unpretentious, there's good tunes and fun stories....

I had a blast- even looking like a lipstick lesbian.. The party was deck as ef (heh)

I wish he'd throw more alleyway bashes- I sure could use em'.

..........

Too young to fall

For a light I think I see

Can't say for sure

The plants have died,

My hair has grown

From the thought of you

Coming home

Cuz it ain't easier

Waking up at dawn

To find I lost my crown

If I found you there

With flowers in your hair

I'd hold you in my arms

Till we came back down

A smile that explodes

I could never understand

My room too small

To get by without the help of alcohol

Pin my arm to the wall

Now I'm too gone to fight

Not afraid to fall

Cuz it ain't easier

Waking up at dawn

To find I lost my crown

If I found you there

With flowers in your hair

I' d hold you in my arms

Until we came back down

A smile that explodes

I could never understand

I write one more

Letter I won't send

Except for across the floor

art is hard.

Cut it out- your self-inflicted pain
Is getting too routine
The crowds are catching on
To the self-inflicted song
Well, here we go again
The art of acting weak
Fall in love to fail
To boost your cd sales
(and that cd sells- yeah, what a hit)
Youve got to repeat it
You gotta sink to swim
If at fist you dont succeed
You gotta recreate your misery
cause we all know art is hard
Young artists have gotta starve
Try, and fail, and try again
The comforts of repetition
Keep churning out those hits
til its all the same old shit

no means no

The brain works in mysterious ways.



I’m in my head, I’m in my head
I can’t escape, I can’t escape
You’re in my bed, you’re in my bed
I can’t relate, I can’t relate

All I got is hate, All I got is hate

I’m in your mind, I’m in your mind
I can’t erase, I can’t erase
You made me blind, you made me blind
I can’t embrace, I can’t embrace

Give me space, give me space

I’m in the well, I’m in the well
I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe
You’re in my hell, you’re in my hell
I can only seethe, only seethe

Your love is greed

your mouth is open wide, the lover is inside

Break my body, hold my bones, hold my bones

Somebody got hurt.

Too much time on my hands

I'm overqualified for my job and now I have nothing to do for 5 of the 8 hours of the day.

People must be tired of me posting comments on all their goodies by now- I bet there are 10 or 15 people who think I'm stalking them because of it.... All I can think to do is read myspace and blogs and cnn. I'm so bored.

I need to find something to occupy my day, but what can I do for five hours at a computer???

Hey Hey Groupie

Hey groupie won´t you take my hand
I´ll show you where heaven stands
It´s just like they did on the movies a street
It´s just like they did oh
When the Lily was Queen
Don´t you know i can show you how
Lily took that old mans pride
She took him to a place called lsd
She took him to die
Baby can´t you see
Oh Lily
Come on darling let me try
Just a little rocking while
Come on rolling in the rag
I´m rolling, i´m bowling
If your not around

I don't care to know who else may have been me before

It's just an itch I've got to scratch.

All those lovers are liars.

Intrusions and oil

Yesterday my morning started bright and early as workmen came into my room without knocking. The landlord sent people to fix our fire escape latches, but failed to tell them that people might be sleeping in the rooms. Thank god I was wearing clothing.

Say hello to my intruders.

After that, I went to do a little resale shopping at Buffalo Exchange and Wasteland- on the way my car told me, "STOP! FEED ME OIL OR I'LL DIE!"

So I put on my grease monkey helmet and gave the car a fresh drink of oil

I took Cee to the Delongpre house at her demand, and then we went strolling down melrose. I was pointing out were all the old record stores used to be and the one recording studio that was across the street on the way to Lala's. Intro'd her to Amoeba. Talked to her about the punk rock hot spot that used to be across from astro burger and is now a fatburger. The reason the  "No Turns after 10" signs are up in the residentials surrounding Melrose.  I told her to visualize brakelights down the entire street. heh.

I think next weekend I'll take her to a museum- Maybe MOCA downtown. Probably to the Echo again too. It's better than her trying to drag me out to Bar Sinister....

The beat of the drum is the beat of my heart.

I love music.

Actually, to say I love music is putting it lightly. Music is my life. Not performing has been like living a half-life for me since J left back to Ohio.

I have lyrics pouring out of every hole in my body. They ebb and flow like a river through my skin, but I can't use them. They're just pretty words because I can't write the notes to make it work.

I know music theory because I studied in my stint in college. I own an electric guitar, I've had it for years and I tried to teach myself how to play it but I just couldn't get the hang of it so I gave up and the guitar resides in the trunk of my car with my little amp screaming to be played. My hands just feel so clumsy and small to play any notes at all. The frets seem like giants. I really need to get the hang of it because I have my own ideas of what I want my songs to sound like and when I let other people write the notes it comes out completely different. Like with J... I love plexi, don't get me wrong, but J would put every song in the Plexi blender. I'm not Michael and I'm not going to sing like him. It sounded foreign. I make my own sound, I'm not going to be a carbon copy of anyone.

I'm aching to make music. It feels like the little alien babies that popped out of Sigourney Weaver in "Ailen" are residing in my chest. I need somewhere to put these lyrics.

I guess I better take the guitar out of the trunk and try, try again.

I shot a man today...

A paper outline of one at least...

Cee and I went to the gun range to play cowboys and injuns.

Then I took her to the ES wall where she scoured the lyrics and used up all of the pictures on her camera.

Afterwards we went to El Coyote where the food was greasy as usual.

I took her around to some little clothing retail stores I'm a regular at- she seemed to dig Buffalo Exchange best- mostly because she new the chain from Vegas.

Later on in the night at the suggestion of a friend, she and I headed to the Echo for some no-name bands.

We got a little goofy.

Oh noes! She touched my boobies!

heh...

Unfortunately I guess Cee can't keep up with me- she was ready to leave The Echo about an hour after we got there. It was a bummer cause the bands were pretty good- the openers were so baby-faced I felt like I was committing an offense by just watching them play... the main act began, but Cee was mutinous and it was time to go.

1AM and time for dreaming....

I want a lover I don't have to love

You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do

On repeat in my brain today...

Crawl, crawl as a child
Move like a man
Pushing like a father
Pulling like a friend
Whatever it takes forever it seems
But in spite of all that all is well

Sexing like stone
Hot as the sand
Entering a life
Exiting with a man
Whatever it takes forever it seems
But in spite of all that all is well

Sometimes i spin around for days
Skip and chase and say
Forget about tomorrow
Until i realize
This valid and logic motion
Is what keeps me from moving
I don't know, i understand

Running running on tracks
With feet on the ground
It will only slow me down
And which way the wind blows
I run like a man ready to go anywhere

When i am so timid
You'll be my words
When i am most effective
You act like a stone
Whatever it takes forever it seems
But in spite of all that all is well

Hijinks

Yesterday was my birthday and I was expecting minimal fanfare and a few phone calls and well-wishes (which I rather prefer) but the folks in my office got together and left me several presents for me to find upon my arrival as well as a card signed by the 80 some-odd people I see on a day to day basis. They went all out and brought cake and cupcakes- it was really sweet of them to do, they don't do that for most people and it made the day pretty special.



I ended the day intending to do absolutely nothing, but apparently that could not be allowed so Cee and I headed out for the night starting at California Pizza Kitchen where she became infatuated by the boy-band-alike host and demanded to take a picture with him.




Afterwards we went over to Seven in on Santa Monica where Morty was spinning tunes for lounge flies and foreign hotel patrons. Morty and I have similar musical taste so I was in my element. It was not packed and really chill- having been at Anthony's til 5 am the night before I needed the relaxed atmosphere. I only wish people had less inhibition because it was a little rigid.... Maybe I just completely lack inhibition and am asking too much.

The night ended with the doorman and I sharing conversation sparked by the fact that we were both celebrating our birthdays. He was a nice guy from a town one of my printers works out of which is not too far from where my extended family is living in Indy.

Cee, Doorguy, Bar guy, and myself went to the taco spot across the road for some late night food and then we parted ways- with Cee and I taking a nice stroll in the crisp night.

It made me realize I've been a bit of a hermit lately, and all work and no play.... something something....

It was a pleasant night.

A place to rest my head...

Over the weekend my friend Matt and I went around Park La Brea checking out vacant apartments to move into in late september/early october. I've known Matt since puberty and it's a wonder that we are friends. The only things we have in common are our sick senses of humor and our undercover nerdiness.

Actually, I don't know that it's that undercover....

I am the queen of all things indie between melrose and sunset in the mid nineties. Matt... well... Matt likes Rhianna and Kylie Minouge (is that even how you spell that?). He tells me I don't listen to music that wasn't once released on tape, and I think he might be right....

The apartments are nice, there's A/C which is a step up from the sauna that I am currently in, and despite the fact that I love Amy it will be nice to have a familiar face around to cause trouble with.

I think I've had trouble adjusting to LA. The people I called my friends here seem to have floated away, gone on tour, are miles away in rehab, or OD'd. There's a shit ton of sober people in LA, but everyone I know is a drunkard and they are consistently trying to make me a drunkard (that ain't gonna happen). I think the next step is for Matt to start trying to force alcohol down my throat. Hah! I'm a rad time without booze, and I'd rather be rad than be a sloppy mess.

Comfort-wise it didn't help that I got mugged and my car stolen within the span of a few months....

I was reading someone else's blog and I realized I haven't been out to see no-name shiteous bands in ages. It's been hard to find people to drag out with me or people with the same taste in music. Fuck- most of the bands I like are long disbanded and the people that used to listen to them have moved on to newer things. Cee likes emo I think, though I turned her on to my boy's life CDs (not that it matters, none of those bands are going to reunite). J ran his little vinyl wearing ass back to Ohio. Daniel is awesome, but I think the last band we had in common was Excel- which he was in- and my skate thrash days are long gone. Actually, no- probably Mother Love Bone- but the timespan is nearly the same. I never see him anyway.

Loyalty to music doesn't count for much, but I'm no hipster- I think most music out there is lame and there's no one to show me different.

I think I need some new friends.

Birthday Card

I think you should've known
It was only ever on a loan

It's 5am and it's my birthday

just getting back from Anthony's and I've got a good three hours to sleep ahead before a full 8 at the day job.

I'm going to surely have Freudian dreams, so thanks in advance Ma. You always did know how to ruin my birthdays.

xo

H

Mama's got a brand new...

camera.

And once she figures out how to leech those pretty little photos off it I'll post them here.


Try and take a picture
Through a dirty window
Try to touch your shadow
Fading when you follow

I don't want you...

At two am, he jumped on me,
said for five months he has loved ...
"Okay, it's your turn. Say the same."
I'd like to like you like you like me
but I can't please understand.

Stop trying. I don't want you.
You don't want to stop trying.

Days do pass, still wants to talk,
says for five months, he has loved ...
Okay, you know I'm not the same.
I'd like to like you like you like me,
but I can't please understand.

Put on your boots and walk out the door.
Forget the face that you watched before.
Don't love me.
It's not worth the time or worth the tears.
Shut your mouth. Be a dear.
I don't want you.

He said that we can't be friends.
"How could you kiss me there then just go,
leave me a sample in a song."

Sweating like...

a hooker in church.

Dang! It's hot in LA tonight with no A/C....

The big bad wolf

The big bad wolf is is the lord of the flies
His fingers creep like spiders between my thighs
He's been undressing me with his eyes

The big bad wolf is the lord of the skin
Scrapes my face with the hairs on his chinny chin chin
But I'm not stupid, I know where he's been

Says 'Little girl, little girl let me in'
'Little girl, little girl let me in'

Today is "Big City Secrets" day.

Your eyes are as big as a quarter when they're shining
Your fingers reach down in my stomach lining
Your voice sounds just like an alley cat is crying
I got the feeling you have never once stopped trying to undress me
You make yourself into a mirror to reflect me
I see my eyes are shallow stones
In a prison made of bones
Wrapped in a bag of skin
Highlighted by the lines of repetition
That all my fear's been carving

What makes us dance

So you say
Hey I don't understand
You and your big city secret
How come we dance
What makes us dance
How come we dance
What makes us dance

I like milk.

Pretending to be someone you know nothing about
Oh I wish you were someone I knew nothing about
You're lookin' for any explanation
your words they only find a meaning in between
what's real and what will only ever be your dream

Hilly Kristal

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
Ill never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free

But mostly songs that recognize our sick obsessions

And now, we proudly present
songs perverse and songs of lament.
A couple of hymns of confession,
and songs that recognize our sick obsessions....

Right on La Brea, Left on De Longpre...

End at 6831 delongpre ave.

I can see.

He peered into me

Good liar
Fake smile
Guilty conscience
Somewhat hostile
Once she gets
What she wants
She doesn't want it
Anymore

His eyes were black
Only pupils
So I could see
His deepest secrets

I peered into him

Bad liar
Insecure
Awkward handshake
Locks his doors
Dirty face
Shameful past
Dislikes people
Fucks too fast


I see your insides
You're just like me

.

It's just a scratch
That you can kiss
To make it feel
Make it feel better
I don't love you
I barely like you
It's just an itch
That you can scratch
To make it feel
Make it feel better

XTC

	You want some lovely, i got some lovely In my bed, in my bed Where the ocean wears the shore down Where's the on switch? There be lovely laying waiting naked for you

Monkey

I want to step on you for leverage
I want to drown you in your ego
But I can't even kick you off that high horse
It's just too fucking high.

M.F.A.A.

Loose-lipped secrets I've seen those birdies chirping Another promise perched on their fragile branches Cradle and all... We all hide a diary beneath some mattress And someone has slept in my bed Sometimes I get so naked I sing like a canary And I scream out what I shouldn't scream Some lies last a lifetime They keep our diaries hidden They don't let the whispers slip Between the cracks of the bathroom stalls Or be written on the bathroom walls.... But still I can hear those dirty birds chirp away It's a song I know by heart Sometimes I resent making friends and acquaintances It's a thin veil between us -- Between the bedsprings and the mattress I keep my secrets The ones I can't keep The ones you took from me The ones you scattered with your wings It was nice to meet you... It was nice to meet you... It was nice to meet you... -

Cursive

Words have no feeling without loaded meanings
Words take too long to come across
Meanings are meant for defining defintions
We load them for efect, it's cheap but it's working

It's the best I've got to get your attention
I could never get your attention
I could never please you
The verses are wasted on words you won't relate to
On words you'll never hear

It's not working -- I don't feel any better
I don't feel so well
The verbal breakdown has failed
So I'm whispering secrets
Hush, hush, on the loudspeaker
Words sculpted on verse become absurd

But it's the best I've got to get your attention
I could never get your attention
I could never please you
Words so sympathetic -- symphonic, yet pathetic -- are tossed on to the song

The meaning is lost...
The meaning is lost...

Words... just... won't... work...
Words... are... slowly demeaning their meanings
Words... make... things... worse
Words... are... always repeating
Losing their meaning
These words failed
Words fail

Glue

Someone
glued a dime
to the floor of the church
I'd been
on my knees
for an hour
attempting to Free it
when suddenly
the priest came
from the pulpit
to commend me
on my dedication
to prayer

Take it

This beating heart
You can have it half price
Take it
I don't need it
I never liked it anyway
Its gently used
In good condition
Smells like fresh-cut grass
and Summer rain
Take it
I don't need it
Take it
I never use it anymore
Take it

It doesn't match my drapes.

Nothing

I've been told
I've got no soul
I breathe for kicks
I live in shit

I've been here
A thousand years
Sleeping restless
Angry bee

Find the niche that
makes me feel better
or makes me feel
just feel at all

I know I'm nothing

But I'll tell you something

So are you

Built to Spill- Girl

sitting at the railway station
reading books about intimidation
waiting for my girl to come
and if she does will she be dumb
or really smart
will she break my heart
and wad it up and throw it in my face
I knew I'd find a nice girl someday
find a nice girl
settle down
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone who'll gimme time and gimme space
and take it all away sitting at the bus station
reading books about legislation
suddenly my girl comes
and she's not even dumb
in fact she's kinda smart
will she break my heart
and wad it up and throw it in my face
I knew I'd find a nice girl someday
find a nice girl
settle down
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone who'll gimme time and gimme space and take it all away
actually I've never even been to a railroad station even though I used to live near one
and still I'm waiting for my girl to come
and if she does will she be dumb
or really smart
will she break my heart
and wad it up and throw it in my face
wad it up and throw it in my face
I knew I'd find a nice girl someday
find a nice girl
settle down
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone I can talk to
someone I don't have to talk to
someone I can talk to

Junkie.

I am not enlightened

Theres no halo on my head

I scratch my arms in corners

I hope Ill end up dead

I am not your martyr

Your messiah

Or your friend

The Birth of the Blog

The End is Near.